And when we as adults are stuck in our heads, we’re not truly present. Kids sense this instantly. If you become aware of your irritation, restlessness, or other emotions, you’re already making big strides—because then you can actually do something about it. Around 95% of our behavior is unconscious. That’s why you might snap without even realizing it at first.

How do you approach this?

So, relaxed parenting isn’t about being perfect all the time. One of my favorite metaphors I often use with parents is that of a tightrope walker. A tightrope walker frequently loses balance on their way across the rope. That’s totally normal—and it’s the same for parenting. The key is developing enough self-awareness and practice to know what helps you regain your balance. So, what can you do when you feel yourself wobbling on that rope? Try different things and experiment with what works for you. That’s how you’ll discover your own path to more calm.

There are a few universal tools: for example, slowing your breathing activates your parasympathetic nervous system—the part responsible for rest. But maybe you find calm through movement or by putting on music.

The golden key

And that’s where the golden key to lasting change lies: do what works for you. Don’t spend hours scrolling through blogs filled with #selfcaretips—those are often made for the masses. But you, your child, and your family are unique. Discover what helps you. And use that regularly: micromoments (like focusing on your breath five times a day) are often far more effective than macromoments (like a weekend getaway).

It’s also key to understand your triggers. Why do you always get irritated at work or at home in the same situations? What’s really bothering you? My book De ontspannen ouder (The relaxed parent) helps you gain insight into this step by step—and gives you practical tools to take action.