Loes on relaxed parentingRelaxed parenting: What is it (and what isn’t it), and how can you create more calm in a busy family life?

Relaxed parenting doesn’t mean you float around the house in a constant state of joy and zen. Nor does it mean you always respond to your child with endless patience and calm. That’s just not realistic. You’re human, not a robot. Striving to always be the “calm and cheerful” parent can actually cause more stress. Here’s why: if you aim to be that chilled-out parent all the time, you end up suppressing the stressful, challenging emotions you naturally experience throughout the day. It’s like pushing a ball underwater—it doesn’t disappear, you just can’t see it anymore. But eventually, it will pop back up. That’s how your emotions work too. Often, they resurface as an angry outburst or a snappy reaction—ones you later regret.

You might be wondering: okay, then what is it? Relaxed parenting means being consciously aware of how you’re feeling. Your child picks up on your energy. If you come home from work feeling unsettled because of a tough conversation with a colleague that’s still playing in your head, your presence is different—and your child will notice. They’ll often respond by seeking your attention, essentially asking: Are you really here for me?

And when we as adults are stuck in our heads, we’re not truly present. Kids sense this instantly. If you become aware of your irritation, restlessness, or other emotions, you’re already making big strides—because then you can actually do something about it. Around 95% of our behavior is unconscious. That’s why you might snap without even realizing it at first.

So, relaxed parenting isn’t about being perfect all the time. One of my favorite metaphors I often use with parents is that of a tightrope walker. A tightrope walker frequently loses balance on their way across the rope. That’s totally normal—and it’s the same for parenting. The key is developing enough self-awareness and practice to know what helps you regain your balance. So, what can you do when you feel yourself wobbling on that rope? Try different things and experiment with what works for you. That’s how you’ll discover your own path to more calm.

There are a few universal tools: for example, slowing your breathing activates your parasympathetic nervous system—the part responsible for rest. But maybe you find calm through movement or by putting on music.

And that’s where the golden key to lasting change lies: do what works for you. Don’t spend hours scrolling through blogs filled with #selfcaretips—those are often made for the masses. But you, your child, and your family are unique. Discover what helps you. And use that regularly: micromoments (like focusing on your breath five times a day) are often far more effective than macromoments (like a weekend getaway).

It’s also key to understand your triggers. Why do you always get irritated at work or at home in the same situations? What’s really bothering you? My book De ontspannen ouder (The relaxed parent) helps you gain insight into this step by step—and gives you practical tools to take action.

Do you want more calm, confidence, and joy in your family life? De ontspannen ouder (The Relaxed Parent) is here for you—unlike traditional parenting books. Using the proven Parent First method, you’ll learn how to stand strong as a parent and experience more patience and balance. Disclaimer: the book is in Dutch.

• Become a calmer, more confident parent
• Break automatic patterns and respond more consciously
• Find a healthy balance between your needs and your child’s
• Stay grounded during intense emotions and challenging moments

Based on scientific research and years of experience working with thousands of families, this book offers practical tools to bring more calm and harmony into your daily life.

Loes Waanders is an orthopedagogue (MSc) with over 14 years of experience guiding families. A sought-after media expert and speaker, she regularly shares her insights on platforms like de Volkskrant, Trouw, and RTL. She also runs the online Parent First Academy, where she helps parents handle challenging behavior with more patience and experience lasting joy and calm in both work and family life.

Each month, you’ll find new themes, exercises, meditations, and helpful downloads waiting for you!